A Ripple Spring 2022 article
It’s not something you ever want to consider, in fact, the mere thought might cause shivers down your spine or bring a tear to your eye. But as we grow older, the thought of losing our partner becomes more and more of a reality.
A very sombre subject to consider, death, however, is an inevitable part of life. Watching your partner of many years pass away will leave you with a whole range of emotions, such as feeling helpless, guilty, or angry.
Some of us might be living with or facing the possibility of a partner that is terminally ill. In this case, we not only experience grief, but we deal with anticipatory grief. This type of grief can be experienced by both the loved ones of someone who is nearing death and the person who is dying.
You may have mixed feelings while a loved one is dying. You may hold on to hope while also beginning to let go and these emotions can be deeply painful.
You and your partner may have already started discussing the potential of one of you no longer being around anymore. Or your partner may be having more and more health complications, which is alerting you to the inevitable. While nothing can really prepare you for the grief that arrives after a loved one passes away, it’s important to know that everyone deals with grief differently and there is no right or wrong way to show grief.
Over the years that you have been together, you have celebrated countless anniversaries and special moments together. When that special person is no longer there, with whom you have shared so much, it leaves you feeling empty and lost.
Grief is a natural response to loss and can go for weeks, months or even years and everyone will respond differently. You will undergo a range of emotions – sad, angry, anxious, shocked, regretful, relieved, overwhelmed, isolated, irritable, or numb. Many of these reactions are not constant but instead tend to come in waves, often triggered by memories or occasions.
It is coming to terms with the transition of loss and the major changes to your day-to-day life, that you will find most challenging.
The physical and mental impacts of grief
Grief can have an impact on many different areas of your life, whether that is your physical or mental health, and on the way you live your life. It be compounded by social loneliness and isolation. Where living in your home was once a bustling and warm environment, but suddenly feels empty and cold. It affects every aspect of your life, including your identity and your routine. It is often a time of reflection about life, your philosophy and sense of meaning.
You can typically become fatigued or experience some physical symptoms such as headaches, body aches or flare-up of previous health conditions. There is a likelihood that you may lose your appetite or have issues with falling asleep. Grief can also impact your immune system, making you more sensitive to common illnesses.
Seeking the help of a professional
The complex emotions associated with losing a loved one can be overwhelming and difficult to sort through on your own. Meeting with a licensed mental health professional, whether face-to-face or online, can help you come to terms with your loss and adjust to life without your spouse.
In addition to physical changes, you can become susceptible to depression or other mental health-related conditions. It can leave a person feeling that they have a persisting negative or low mood, withdrawal, a sense of hopelessness or, in general, not enjoying anything in life.
You might feel that you do not need to seek the help of a mental health expert and a general reluctance to seek help is compounded in many older adults who don’t believe they can change in later life, or that something as straightforward as talk therapy can make a difference at that stage.
The pervasiveness of these attitudes was clearly seen in one study in which 70% of adults 55 and older with mood and anxiety disorders did not use any mental health services. There were many reasons cited in the study, but chief among them was the belief that treatment wouldn’t help.
Negative attitudes toward psychotherapy pose deep barriers to engaging in treatment and getting better. These attitudes often stem from a disdain for aging itself, based on stereotyped views of older minds as in decline and incapable of significant change. People with pessimistic attitudes toward psychotherapy may sabotage any benefits when they resist the idea of therapy itself, or withdraw after only a few sessions if there is no significant progress. On the flip side, these same individuals do better when they understand how aging brings certain strengths that can be leveraged in psychotherapy.
Research into psychotherapy at all ages shows clearly and consistently that the payoff can be life-changing and often lifesaving.
“Dying of a broken heart”
Everyone knows the saying and we’ve all heard stories of couples passing away soon after their long-term partner has died. But can someone actually die from a broken heart? Technically, yes. Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy is the official name of the condition. Harvard Medical School reported that 90 percent of cases were women between the ages of 58 to 75.
A broken heart refers to extreme stress impacting the healthy function of your heart. Stress increases your heart rate meaning that your heart is working faster and when you’re exposed to this for a prolonged period, it can lead to premature death. The condition symptoms can include chest pain or shortness of breath, heart attack-like symptoms, or odd movements in the left ventricle of the heart.
Therefore, it’s important to grieve openly and confide with friends, family, and health professionals to help get you through this tough time.
The condition is often mistaken for a heart attack and can be treated during a stay in hospital. This usually involves supported care until the impacted ventricular function (the left side) returns to its normal state. Beta-blockers and angiotensin-converting enzyme (ACE) inhibitor drugs are commonly prescribed to help the recovery of the heart muscle.
How do you deal with the death of your partner?
If you are going through the difficult process of losing your partner, here are a number of ways to find support and try to clear your way through this difficult time:
- Grieve in your own way. There is no set pattern, and everyone is different.
- Take your time and give yourself space to come to terms with the loss.
- Keep up a regular routine. Find comfort in the things that you can control and are familiar to you.
- Reach out to people who can support you and avoid withdrawing from life as much as possible.
- Try to get a good balance of time on your own and time around others.
- Look after your physical health, eat healthy food, try to do regular exercise, get enough sleep.
- Honour your loss. It might be by writing a journal of memories, writing letters, treasuring precious possessions, planting a tree, writing a song; whatever feels meaningful to you.
- Be prepared for difficult events that trigger your memories and sadness. This may happen on anniversaries, birthdays, reunions or perhaps when you see reminders of what you have lost.
- Don’t avoid mentioning the name of your partner or thinking about them. It’s important that you continue reminiscing on funny and cherished memories, as it can bring some form of relief.
- You don’t have to know what to say. When someone close to you passes, it is completely okay not to know how to respond. Sometimes saying nothing but being there with others is the comfort you need.
- Get a pet. If your spouse has recently passed on, the silence of an empty house can be daunting. If your lifestyle, health, and budget allow it, consider adding a four-legged friend to your household. A 2020 study published in The Gerontologist found that grieving spouses without a pet suffered greater levels of loneliness and depression than those who owned a cat or dog. Pets, with all their unconditional love, can give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
“The last thing that you want to hear is that life goes on. And as hard as it may be, life does continue, albeit in a format that you could never foresee and can never quite prepare for. May the memories and life that you have enjoyed together, bring you peace.”
